Pickle Jar of Evil
by KillCupido
Summary: Kink meme prompt: Ariadne wants to eat a pickle, but the lid is on too tight, so she gets Arthur. The lid is on too tight for Arthur, so he gets Eames.
1. In which No One can open THE JAR

**Rating: **K**  
Summary: **Kink meme prompt: Ariadne wants to eat a pickle, but the lid is on too tight, so she gets Arthur. The lid is on too tight for Arthur, so he gets Eames.  
**Pairing(s): **None  
**Genre: **Humor, Romance  
**Warning: **None  
**Disclaimer: **There would be so much gay sex in Inception if I made that movie.  
**AN: **I saw this prompt in the kink meme on Lj and the following discussion. I just ran with it.

**Pickle Jar of Evil**

"Arthur, can you help me with the pickle jar? It won't open."

"Sure, give me a moment- hold on…this is _really_ tight…"

"I tried for _eighteen minutes_ before I gave that jar to you"

"That's very specific, Ari. Very important as an Architect. It's not budging, by the way."

"_What_."

"Eames, right on time for a change. Ariadne wants pickles and I can't get this jar open"

"Darling, I am _impressed_ that you even admit that to me."

"I'm not above telling the truth, Mr. Eames. How is the jar coming along?"

"…nope, sorry dears."

"No way…Eames! I really want a pickle…"

"Aww, no need to pout, pet. Here comes Dad. COBB! EMERGENCY! GET YOUR BLOODY ARSE HERE RIGHT NOW!"

"Dad?"

"You must admit, he takes good care of us."

"True."

"What's going on, where is the fire, oh my God-"

"No need to panic that much, Ariadne wants pickles and Arthur couldn't open the jar so he called me and now I can't open the jar."

"…that's why you screamed goddamned murder and made me jump from the stairs, almost breaking my ankles, never mind my spine?"

"Yes?"

"All three of you are worse than my kids, I swear."

"But you still love us, right?"

"But I thought we were also your kids! Eames, _you lied to me_."

"Eames, what kind of bullshit did you feed Ari- _Jesus_, what is this jar made of?"

"Glass and-"

"I didn't mean that literally, Arthur. Yusuf! Can you please get out of your lab and come over here?"

"Hi guys, what's the occasion?"

"Ariadne wants pickles, Arthur couldn't open the jar, so then there was Eames who also couldn't open the jar and now I just tried and it didn't budge, so you try."

"…you _do_ know you can text Saito and get him to buy out the pickle factory and such, right?"

"Yusuf, that's overkill, without the killing."

"Well, give me that and let me put it under the tap- there! Here are your pickles."

"_Great!"_

"Now everyone, get back to work- what's with the face, Ariadne?"

"Cobb…the pickles are-"

"_Oh Jesus_, that's nasty!"

"I couldn't agree more, darling."

"Like I said…get Saito to buy out a pickle factory."

"Yeah, that might be faster."


	2. In which Ariadne gets her pickles

**Rating: **K**  
Summary: **Yusuf was really joking when he said Saito would buy the pickle factory.  
**Pairing(s): **SaitoAriadne, EamesArthur  
**Genre: **Humor  
**Warning: **None  
**Disclaimer: **There would be so much gay sex in Inception if I made that movie.  
**AN: **I saw this prompt in the kink meme on Lj and the following discussion. I just ran with it.

**In which Ariadne gets her pickles**

* * *

_To: Boss Man  
__Subject: Pickles  
__Attachment: Ariadne. jpg__  
_

Ariadne wants pickles, but there are none. Get some.

Yusuf

* * *

_To: Mister Yusuf Shankar  
__Subject: RE: Pickles  
__  
_

Mister Shankar,

I'm _not_ your errand boy, nor am I the team's.

Greetings,  
Saito

PS: Your attempt at blackmailing me is _pathetic_.

* * *

_To: Boss Man  
__Subject: RE: RE: Pickles  
__Attachment: List of Ari's favorite food brands. docx; Ariadne12HD. jpg_

Then how about this. Also, call me Yusuf.  
Yusuf

* * *

_To: Mister Yusuf Shankar  
__Subject: Pickles  
__Attachment: Deed – McClure's. pdf_

Mister Shankar,

As you can see, Miss Lavier doesn't need to worry about pickles anymore.

Greetings,  
Saito

* * *

_To: Dom Cobb  
__Subject: Your aid is much needed_

Dom,  
Mister Shankar informed me of the lack of pickles. As you may or may not have heard, I bought one, because he included apicture of Miss Lavier in very…revealing attire. My question: why was/is Miss Lavier wearing shorts and how come there are pictures? What should I rename my new food company? Should I get some hit man to kill those man who are blatantly staring at _those legs_?

Help me. Please.  
Saito

* * *

_To: Saito  
__Subject: What._

Saito,  
First, calm the fuck down, it's 30 degrees Celsius here in Paris. And what pictures?  
Secondly, how about you first _inform_ her about your company?  
Third, that's overkill. Really, overkill. Don't hire hit man for guys glancing at a pretty girl who you happen to have a crush on. And if you start saying your version of 'dat ass', I _will_ put you back in Limbo.

Cobb

PS: I repeat, **DO NOT HIRE HIT MAN. **This is important. **_Saito, DO NOT HIRE HIT MAN. _**I'm being very serious here.**_ Do. Not. Hire. Hit. Man._**

* * *

_To: Arthur  
__Subject: Teenage Drama_

Why is there a teenage soap drama here and why was I not informed of this? And what kind of speech should I prepare for when Saito finally gets over the fact that Ariadne would like a simple date _first_ and love companies _after_? (probably no companies at all, you know how practical Ariadne is) Also, find out the source of Ariadne's pictures.

Cobb

PS: Don't bang in the closet, you have a **_bedroom._**

* * *

_To: Cobb  
__Subject: RE: Teenage Drama  
__Attachment: interview Yusuf – 45. docx_

Cobb,

I wasn't aware of it either and have already grilled Yusuf about the pictures. It appears that he and Ariadne went shopping, nothing scandalous going on. Also, those pictures didn't contain anything strange, just Ariadne showing new outfits. I think Saito has a thing for legs. Considering his tendency to go over the top, I think you should write a manual instead. You can save it for when Phillipa and James start dating.

About the 'banging in the closet', my apologies. Eames was impatient.

Arthur

* * *

_To: Arthur  
__Subject: RE: RE: Teenage Drama_

What should I do without you.

Cobb

* * *

_To: Cobb  
__Subject: RE: RE: RE: Teenage Drama_

Cobb,

Dread the drama, I guess. Do you want Chinese takeout or sushi?

Arthur

* * *

_To: Yusuf the Chemist  
__Subject: Love company?!__  
_

Yusuf, what the flying fuck.

* * *

_To: Ari  
__Subject: RE: Love company?!_

In my defense, I didn't know he would actually buy it.

* * *

_To: Yusuf the Crazy Chemist  
__Subject: RE: RE: Love company?!_

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS. I WILL CALL EAMES HE MIGHT KNOW WHAT TO DO.

* * *

_To: Ari  
__Subject: RE: RE: RE: Love company?!_

ARIADNE!

Don't follow his advice if it contains:

Casinos  
Gambling  
Surprise sex  
Stealing  
Breaking and entering  
Dating other guys  
Or girls, for that matter  
Shopping at _that_ terrible boutique  
Unsafe sex

You understand?!

Yusuf

* * *

_To: Yusuf the Crazy Fucks My love Life Up Chemist  
__Subject: RE: RE: RE: Love company?!_

What if it includes halfway emptying my bank account, going on a surprise visit and asking him out on a date to a restaurant he wouldn't even look at, never mind eat there?

* * *

_To: Ari  
__Subject: Too many RE: Love company?!_

Sure. I see some Arthur there. I demand pictures of the first date.

* * *

_To: Yusuf Save my Love Life Chemist  
__Subject: RE: Too many RE: Love company?!  
__Attachment: plane ticket japan link. txt__  
_

Yup, they had an argument about broom closets and pants, it seems.  
You're coming with me, you started this and if I get rejected, _I'm going to gut you and you will die._

* * *

_To: Ari  
__Subject: RE: RE: Too many RE: Love company?!_

I don't want to know. Why didn't you just put the link in the mail, you daft bitch.

* * *

_To: Yusuf the Chemist  
__Subject: RE: RE: RE: Too many RE: Love company?!_

Just because, you lousy bastard. Get Cobb to take care of your cat. We leave in two days.


End file.
